Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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