guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
