Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
