Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
