I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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