apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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