Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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