he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
