Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I got her a Nickelback box set.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
