Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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