Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
