I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
