you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
this will be a night to untag.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
