I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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