"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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