forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
