i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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