i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
