I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Are my feet made of real feet?
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THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
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Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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