I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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