Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
They have beer where we have blood.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
