We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
