Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
