Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
