she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
