i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
