I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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