If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
