He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
