While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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