you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
