Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
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Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
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I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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