plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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