peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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