it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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