you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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