everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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