I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
