only you would photoshop your dick
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
