Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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