the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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