I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
