Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
