My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
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so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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