Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
