He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
