Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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