i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
