you would pick up someone in the library
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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