Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
