You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
