So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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