I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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