ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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