When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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