He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
