i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
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Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
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Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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