she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
