My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
